A guy having just bought a ferrari on his way home from the show room, he tries out the car a bit more and starts to go over the speed limit.
After a while a police car comes up behind him, not thinking properly he tries to see if he can out run the cop and speeds off as fast as possible.
A little while later he starts to worry and slows down, eventually the policeman catches up and pulls him over.
The officer comes up to the car and tiredly says, “hey buddy, you were going pretty fast but it’s 10 minutes till my shift ends, if you can give me a good enough excuse as to why you sped away from me so fast I’ll let you off”
The driver ponders for a while and says, “last week my wife ran off with a cop, I was worried you were following me to try and give her back”
The officer tells him to have a nice day and drives off.
Three Irishmen and three Englishmen, travelling to Paris for a conference on EU intergration. They get to the station in London. The three Englishmen buy a ticket each and get on the train. The three Irishmen buy a ticket between them and get on the train.
The English ask what’s up and how are they going to get to Paris with only one ticket. You’ll see say the Irish and they quickly head to the toilet where they all pile in together.
When the ticket inspector comes he knocks on the toilet door and says “tickets please” the door opens only slightly and a single hand passes one ticket to the inspector. The inspector takes the ticket and walks off.
After the conference on the way back to London, the three Englishmen are clued up and buy one ticket between them and get on the train. The Irish don’t even buy a ticket. The English ask how they’re going to get to London without even one ticket between them and they say “you’ll see”.
The English pile into one toilet and the Irish into another toilet. Five minutes later one of the Irish gets out of the toilet and knocks on the door of the Englishmen’s toilet and says “tickets please”
A husband died leaving all his money and possessions to his local football team, his bemused wife was to receive only his signed jersey.
Announcing the death in the local paper the bitter wife instructed them to simply write “John the bastard is dead”. When the paper told her she needed at least 10 words she settled on. ”John the bastard is dead. Jersey for sale, freshly cleaned”.
There was once this texas millionaire who had made all his money in the oil boom times. He had a young trophy wife but remain tight fisted with money. On his death bed he gave instructions to his wife that he wanted all his money to be buried with him.
At the funeral, all the friends an family gathered and no one was really surprised that his wife hadn’t put his money in the coffin with him.
Just as the undertakers were about to close the lid the wife suddenly popped up and tucked a bag neatly under the dead man’s arm.
Later at the wake the undertaker brought this up with the wife, asking if there was really money in the coffin now under the ground. The wife replied, why yes, he wanted the money buried with him. But I was worried someone might steal it, so I just wrote him a check and put that in the bag.
The Queens on a state visit to the US, driving across the country she gets bored and tells the limo driver to stop. She gets out and tells the driver to get in the back and that she’s going to drive for a while.
Straight away she starts racing along the highway as fast as the limo can go, beeping the horn and skiding along bends in the road.
A patrol cars sees her and pulls her over, he taps on the window but upon seeing the Queen runs back to his back and radios his supervisor.
He tells the supervisor that he’s just pulled over someone unbelievably important and doesn’t know what to do.
The supervisor asks who he’s pulled over, the Mayor, the state Govenor.
The patrol man says, “I don’t know who it is but the Queen of England is his chauffeur”.
The Pope, Jay-z and Bill Clinton are all appearing on the Oprah Winfrey show. After the interviews one of the studio guests raisers her hand and asks Jay-z if he can come to her son’s graduation after the show. Jay-z says sorry but he’s having a party at his house where he’s going to *ahem with some ladies.
Instead the woman turns to Bill Clinton and asks if he can come and maybe give a speech to the graduates. Bill apologises and says he’s going to Jay-z’s to smoke some *ahem cigars.
Finally she asks the Pope if he can come and maybe bless the students. The Pope replies “look bitch we’re all going to Jay-z’s to screw some whore and blaze the chronic so you can just forget about it.”
A man walks into a toilet shortly followed by a short, fatter man. The man goes into a stall and the short man goes into the one next to him.
The short man says, “How’s it going?” and the tall man says “Okay”.
The short man says, “What are you up to?” and the tall man says “Same thing as you”.
The short man says, “Do you want to have a drink together?” and the tall man says “Maybe I guess?”
The short man says, “Then maybe we can go back to my place” and the tall man says “Well I guess we can see how things go”
Then the short man says, “Sorry can I call you back the guy in the stall next to mine thinks I’m talking to him”.
A man and a giraffe walk into a bar and start drinking. They get drunk and the giraffe passes out on the floor. The man gets up and starts to walk out. The bartender says, hey, you can’t leave that lying there.
The man says, it’s not a lion it’s a giraffe
When we were young me and my brother used to play this game around where we lived. We’d ring someones door bell and then run to the end of their driveway. Then when they answered the door we’d make retarded faces and stupid noises at them. Often this would descend into other more specific mockery such as hey peg leg or general fuck you type insults.
As hilarious as this was the funniest part was always the reaction you’d get from the person. One house in particular had this guy who we called “the athlete” this guy would chase us down the road shouting the whole way. That would always be the funniest house to visit. And we almost got the feeling that maybe he enjoyed the fun of it too.
One winter it had been snowing and feeling upbeat we decided to pay a visit to the athlete, knocking on his door and then hurling abuse at him, this time however it took him a while to answer the door, and when he emerged he was in a wheel chair and rather despondant. We still shouted at him somewhat but trailed off and slowly walked away.
After feeling bad for a while we decided to return to his house and play things out again but giving him more of a chance to chase us in his chair, so as to lessen his feeling of incapacity. So we knocked on his door and only went half way back down his drive. Then when he opened the door we shouted abuse and slowly backed away. He caught on quickly and wheeled out a bit and rolled towards us aggressively, thereupon he jumped out of the chair and caught hold of my brother, then proceed to pick him up and throw him into the snow, then continued to rub his face into it and put handfuls of snow down his shirt, in a final act of indignity he put my brother at the end of the driveway and returned to the doorway from where he pelted him with a few snow balls to the head.
A man who has sex with fruit is crazy but a man who puts it inside a jar of peanut butter is f#$%^&g nuts
